It’s Christmas!!! (I can only hear that with Noddy Holder’s voice ringing in my ears) – Well, nearly. this week is Christmas week. Most of you have finished work. The kids are off and everyone is gearing up for the big one on Weds.
So, to help you survive the madness, here’s a few top tips to help you over the festive season the EVO way. I am aware we have many people of different faith and religious denomination who don’t celebrate Christmas, also a fair amount of cantankerous old miserable buggers who would equally hate it too, however, this is aimed at the general masses who will be engaging in all the traditional celebrations.
1 – HAVE COURAGE
You can pick up some excellent bargains on Christmas Eve at 22:00 at the Big Sainos, North Sheen. If you have the courage to wait of course.
2 – HAVE A 2-DAY LIMIT
Nobody should have exposure to the in laws for more than 2-days. It has been scientifically proven that it will do your f**** head in and send you spinning. Have an out, make up any old excuse or if they are staying, merely pack their suitcase and leave by the front door after they’ve been out for a walk. 1-day with the in laws is like 1-year in dog years to human years. Two days deserves respect.
3 – CALORIE TRACKING
It is common knowledge that most people consume somewhere in the region of 5,000 calories on Christmas Day. So, tracking calories is ultra-important. Aim for 10,000 and stop being an amateur.
4 – WEAR LEISURE WEAR FOR THE WHOLE PERIOD
Wear a tracksuit or any kind of elasticated waist AT ALL TIMES. Even if going out for Christmas lunch, Ath leisure tops, even loose fitting fleeces or a onsie are also acceptable. Stay clear of suits, belts, waistcoats, chinos or tight fitting bandage dresses. Don’t be an amateur. Wear elasticated garments for the whole two weeks then feel the horror on 6th of Jan when you try and get back in your normal work clothes.
5 – BUY EXCELLENT PRESENTS
Everyone knows to buy the best presents is the ultimate challenge. Buy shit and you can ruin your reputation beyond repair. So boys, simple, get her something special and memorable like a double draw Air Fryer and girls, get him something he’ll truly value. Some cans of Stella and a lynx gift set. Sorted.
6 – WALKING
Join the ranks of other 1000’s of people ambling about not really knowing what to do, where to go but just happy to be out of the house doing something else than sitting, eating and watching shit.
7 – SIT, EAT, WATCH SHIT
Either that, or go for a walk, see number 6 (obvs watch Love Actually and Die Hard)
8 – FEED YOUR SPIRITUALITY
As we know the true meaning of Christmas is rampant commercialism, over indulgence and anxiety. However, if you want an antidote to that and feed your soul & Spirit, just do an annual visit to church and stuff £20 in the collection box, watch a carol concert on TV or drink heavy spirits.
9 – FAMILY
They are equally infuriating and wonderful, and without them we have nothing. Appreciate them, love them but just have them in as small doses as humanly possible. Leave some time for you. You’ll need it.
10 – LOVE
Without it what are we? A life without love is empty and barren. Christmas is all about love. If you love mince pies eat them. If you love your partner tell them. If you love not over indulging and feeling lithe, do it. Do whatever you love, with whoever you love and love it all.
I am exceptionally fortunate and privileged to live in SW London, to have my health at 52, to have a business, great team, great members, a home, food in my fridge, money in the bank, sober, a 12 step fellowship, loads of people who love me and enough self-awareness to recognise how lucky I am at xmas.
So, my one bit of advice at xmas. Have perspective and remember the bit in Love Actually when they meet at the airport and just imagine you’re meeting me in a pair of speedos playing ‘Love is all you need’ on the banjo.
Love you all and Happy Christmas you beautiful legends
TNE